Since Grandma had a baby…

From the moment you announced your pregnancy, you have received advice from aunts, sisters, friends, strangers in the grocery line and most importantly...your mother.  We take to heart what they have to say, because who knows us better, right?  She did this and you turned out okay. She must have all the answers. Right?

As it turns out, not necessarily. Of course, every mom is different and some of them have the tenderest of hands. They are gentle spirits with the best of intentions...but they don't always keep up to date on the most current and safest things for you to do while raising your own child. Many grandmothers don't understand the way, or the why behind how we raise children today.  

A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do. -Lois Wyse

I remember the first time I found out that my mother had put my child down to nap on their belly. This sweet child would not sleep unless being held. And, while I wish his 10-year-old self would still let me hold him til he fell asleep, it just doesn't always work for a mother that has a huge to-do list. It also hasn't been the recommendation of the American Pediatric Association since 1994. But, he slept...and he slept well. And he was watched, and safe. (This is by no means an endorsement of putting your child to sleep that way.)

As a doula, I have found that many new mothers are not wanting to do things the way their mother's did. Many have moved away from family and sometimes they are figuring things out on their own. They are employing Montessori techniques from birth. They are going back to breastfeeding when they can. They are older than their parents were when they had children. They have witnessed more and are well-read on all things baby. But, in case it helps at all, here is a short list of things that have changed since your mother became a mom and the things I hear from families the most often.

• Labor is longer than you remember. A first time mom can expect her labor to be between 18-24 hours start to finish. There are always labors that are shorter or longer, but most families are not wanting their family to be hanging out in the waiting area for that long. If a Mom needs to be induced, double that time...or more. Mom's need space and privacy to help labor progress and while your presence can be helpful by bringing by food for Dad and reassurance for Mom, it can make most families feel like a watched pot and possibly stall labor. Allow Mom the space she needs until she is ready for visitors, which may not be until she has moved to a postpartum room and has attempted breastfeeding a few times already. 
• Breast milk is now encouraged by the American Academy of Pediatrics exclusively for 6 months and with additional foods for the full first year of life. The World Health Organization supports it for two years.  There was a time when breastfeeding was shunned and formula was on trend, but not anymore. There are scores of benefits for both Mom and baby to breastfeed if it is a good fit for them. So, support that relationship! And, no, you don't have to do a thing to prepare your nipples for breastfeeding, but taking a class is always encouraged.
• The best help isn't holding the baby.  In order to support Mom in her breastfeeding adventures, she should hold the baby, nurse on demand and feed as frequently as baby would like.  Essentially, watch the baby and not the clock when it come to feedings. This means that you can be the most help by cooking healthy meals for Mom, managing the ever-flowing laundry that comes with a baby and keeping the house in order. You can get your snuggles in with baby when Mom is ready for her nap. Bring baby to her to nurse and then you take over for diaper changes and getting baby back to sleep.
• Hospital births are not always best. Over the past century, infant mortality has dramatically improved but maternal mortality has been on the rise. Hospitals are overwhelmed in many cases and nurses are pulled between patients but there are many factors that come into play. The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology does tend to recommend hospitals or birth centers, but for women wanting limited interventions and augmentations homebirth is a great option as long as families stay informed and use safe practices. While that number is at about 1% of all births, women that have low-risk pregnancies have found  healthier outcomes and other benefits such as lower costs and better bonding experiences. 
• You don't see many babies in the nursery windows anymore because they are rooming in with Mom. Hospitals are working hard to make changes to improve their Mother Baby Friendly Initiatives. The Initiative is a joint effort of the World Health Organization and UNICEF to encourage best practices in breastfeeding, supporting the Mother-Baby bond and best nutrition for infants. Currently there are no hospitals that fit the bill in the Austin area. Find the nearest facility here. 
• The water doesn't have to break to have baby. In fact, we prefer labor to begin with cramping and time-able contractions. A spontaneous rupture will tend to happen in active labor, typically between 6-10 centimeters of dilation in a first time mother. Only about 8% of labors will begin with water breaking as the first sign of labor and even then it isn't always a rush to get to the birth facility of choice.  Communication with the care provider is key to finding the best time to come in. Until then, rest is best!
• We don't immediately weigh the baby.  Once Mom is holding her precious bundle, getting all the benefits of skin-to-skin time, sometimes Dad's are eager to let the families know. The first question back is always, "How much does baby weigh?"  Sometimes that doesn't happen until baby is almost 2 hours old.  In the meantime, let Mom and Dad get to know their baby and hold that weight against their own chests instead of on the scales.  In the end, we don't get to hold them long enough. 
• Leave the umbilical cord alone.  We do tend to want to clean too much, especially with a new baby around. But, studies are showing that leaving the cord to stay dry is the best way to help it heal. No need of alcohol, witch hazel, peroxide or voodoo spells to keep it healthy and help it fall off. 
• No baby powder on baby.  Talc and Zinc-Stearate have shown signs of aspiration and illness in infants. And, do you know what is better than baby powder?  A natural baby smell! One of my favorite blogs posted an article earlier this year on the addictive nature of baby's smell and how mothers can identify their baby by smell alone. 
• No rice cereal in bottles to get baby to sleep longer. There is a reason baby wakes frequently. Their tummies are small and breastmilk is easily digestable for them. This means they eat frequently and when they need more calories, they will be ready to nurse again. Introducing "solids" too early has shown signs that lead to obesity and digestive disorders in children. 

So, that being said...sometimes we take the advice of family and strangers. We hire Lactation Consultants, Sleep Consultants, Doulas, Pediatricians and more. We search Google at all hours of the night to find the answers and read all of the well-documented studies.  And in the end, we listen to ourselves and our babies. You know your baby better than anyone. 

"Grandmother: A wonderful mother with lots of practice." -Unknown Author

While your relationship with your parents may be complex, remember that the grandparent relationship is simple and full of love. They want to spoil that child rotten, just like your grandmother did with you. Cook all the favorite foods. Hold them all the time. Teach them the way things used to be done. There are treasures in the "old ways" of doing things. Let us not lose that as we move forward.  And sometimes, while it may not be how you would do it...they may have a really simple solution that saves the day and your sanity as a mother.