Finding my self in the heap

Something is going on. I have felt it for a long time. I finally decided to do something about it, but instead of turning inside...I searched around me.  (Could be reflection of a deeper social problem...but this is definitely about me.)   At first I did turn to my trusted health adviser, but I didn't fully appreciate the answer. Don't we all do that? I didn't think that was the answer...or, I didn't want to take the responsibility for it quite yet. I am working on it. Getting closer every day.   I went to my general practitioner, functional medicine. I was sure the answer could be solved by blending the east and west. But, I do have a north and south within me as well. The north, my head, was overriding what I was felling in my heart and hara (the "gut" chakra).   After seeing a barrage of physicians that made me feel heard, ignored, believed me or thought it was in my head. After a stack of blood work and various testing adding up to over a full ream of paper and no answers other than "possible my liver" or "could be an allergy". I began to grieve the road ahead. First steps in a transformation. And, the approaching full moon was heightening the experience.   It was going to take a huge amount of self control...something I lost on my journey to this place. It was going to take dedication...which I can hold fast to when I am encouraging others along.   It was going to take a big shift in my personal lifestyle. I had known it all along. But, why wouldn't I listen to myself?  Fear. Things would change within in and without.  How would it effect me in the big picture?  Could only get better, but sometimes you have to shake off the rest of the dust and find the real you in the heap. Emerge from the things that hold you back.   I think we tend to think of changes as something that we have to be 100% dedicated to, no caveats, no celebrations. I think some of this was what brought about my sadness...but, being healthy is not as the crow flies. The road winds. Just like our stories. We intersect with others on the same path. On different paths. Some join us for a while. Others wander off. Sometimes your path may take a journey to the beach, Disney, to a party...but it is the daily life that matters most and adds up in the end.   Maybe the choices I made over the past decade were out of ease. Weren't the healthiest. I was in new parent mode and not being a good example of health for my children and not following my training. But, I found a detour sign that could lead me back to the road. I found a few of them. Each of those health care providers, while not finding an answer to "what is wrong with me", did give me the opportunity to redirect my own path. Remind me to listen to my SELF and learn to love ME before I got caught in a rolling boulder that could take it's toll on me in a much bigger way.   I encourage you to listen to yourself and your body. When you ache. Feel. Know.   You are the only diamond in your heap. Why cover that up with all the yuck this life throws at us?  Let that girl shine!